Count Down to Christmas

Wanna hear a joke? Underpants! Are you laughing? Cause that's good stuff.
How about, do you know where is the scariest place in the house? Behind the shower curtain. That's where we're going to hide all Theron's Christmas presents this year.
Grandparents, I mean, Santa, Theron is obsessed with Bakugan. It's okay to get duplicates because they trade them. He doesn't have any of the accessories, just the little balls.

Ash and I took sick days this week to actually be sick, which is no fun. The first day I was sick I didn't see even one ant all day. It was eerie. The next morning I turned on the kettle for tea and one happened to be walking right there so I burned his little ass. Good times.

Waahhhh!

The end of the holiday weekend - boo!
We spent the day with Grandpa Flip and Grandma Rita and gave thanks for family and Boston Market and really good pies from Ralph's. It was a very easy dinner that satisfied in the traditional way. Theron and Grandpa got in several pillow fights and even after a bloody nose Theron decided it was worth the risk to keep going, but no more blood was shed.
The drive up was so very beautiful. It rained the day before but Thursday was sunny and clear and all along the coast we saw flock after flock of magnificent pelicans in formation and when we were finally in the hills we saw the happy cows. Theron adapted the Richard Shindell song were were listening to (Are You Happy Now) to Are You a Happy Cow? and we sang it loud making the 'You' a moo.


Some of you are probably wondering who fed the ants while we were gone? Well, before Friday I would have said How sweet of you to worry, but our ants are full, thank you very much. They'll be fine for a day. Then we come back and find the greedy little bastards eating stuff they don't even like, such as sugar. Since when??!! Oh, well, Grandpa Flip told us about lemon-scented Raid and Ash says he would spray it even if we didn't have ants because it smells so good. So take that.

It's War

The ants. It's all about the ants now. We are so tired of those little monsters. We must be on top of the largest ant hill in California. They're on the iron while I'm ironing. They're in the linen closet. They're on couch doing God knows what. Before we even moved in they were all over Theron's shag carpet and we assumed they'd move on, but no. Theron leaves towels and blankets all over the floor to walk on like pavers on a garden path. He thinks the ants can't climb them. This poor kid hates bugs so much it's like every nightmare come true. He could write his own Goosebumps stories - Episode One: Who Left That Juice Box In My Room???!!!!
Sometimes they go away and Theron thinks he's safe in the bathtub, pitting Shrek against Spiderman, when the ants come out of the grout. We're hoping this will really teach him a lesson about keeping his room clean but it's a slooooow process. Today, Episode Two: Who Left Those Wrappers On My Bed???!!!
My assistant, Sophie, is the sweetest girl ever and she loves all creatures. She will tell you heart breaking stories about giant African millipedes. Last week at lunch Ozge said she was trying to scare ants off without killing them. Sophie said, "Just kill them, they're awful!" In my opinion if Sophie says kill them, they have to die. Ashley has laid out every over the counter poison available and this week they tried to kill him back. Monday morning Ashley went to take a shower and found a paper plate with pizza remains in the bathroom trash can crawling with ants (Episode Three: Wha????) He rushed it to the backyard, naked, and while running back he sliced open his big toe on the cement. I thought he needed stitches but he heals well.
I'm sad about what this has done to me. When I wash dishes I enjoy pouring hot water on them. I like to smash them and watch as they run for their lives. I think I'm going to come back and find they were scared off by all the many dead, but they keep doing what they were doing, looking for baloney or eggs. And then I feel even LESS sorry for them and the killing continues.
Oh well.
Next, on the list, pantry moths.